If I’m honest, my faith perilously rests each day on how I feel; how much sleep I got, whether or not I had a good breakfast, how difficult it is to get the boys up and ready for school, etc. That’s not to say my belief in Jesus waivers from hour to hour, only that how that belief plays itself out in my daily life does. It’s sad, actually. I have such a hard time separating how I feel from what I believe, as if the latter should depend on the former.
This morning I read that Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone wants to be first, he must become the very last, and servant of all.” A couple of the disciples had been arguing about which one of them was the greatest, as if that mattered to Jesus. He tells them in the most unambiguous terms that in order to be great, in order to get closer to God, they must be willing to put themselves aside and to become the SERVANT of ALL.
That sucks. Most days I don’t feel like being the servant of any, let alone the servant of all. I am amazingly self-absorbed, and would rather people serve me. I think most of us, frankly are this way, to some degree…somehow this is a part of being human.
And this is an amazing paradox for me, because when I stand back from my myopic view of life and begin to see other people as Jesus saw them, this serving thing then trumps whatever I am feeling, and a sense of something grander and more beautiful begins to emerge. And the more I serve people the more I realize how little my problems really are in comparison, and, more to the point, I realize how little my feelings actually have to do with the situation in front of me. That I haven’t don’t my taxes done yet becomes a small blip on the radar compared to the family who may be loosing a home because some bank thought it would be a good idea 3 years ago to give them a ridiculous loan. That my job is frustrating becomes dwarfed by the fact that my friends are loosing jobs.
It does make me wonder why Jesus did it all, really. I know He was God in flesh, but he was also flesh. He was a man, and I’ll bet there were times where he just didn’t feel like being a servant, where he was just tired of “doing.” I have wondered before what really went through his mind on the cross; the fact that he was redeeming the world, probably. But did it ever cross his mind that SO many people would never get it…the fact that He was bringing reconciliation to ALL who would ever live would be lost on them; He died to give them a forgiveness they would never receive, a grace they would never experience, and a love they would never live.
But he did it, and that’s what makes it so captivating. He died, gave up his right as GOD of the UNIVERSE, let people strip him of all the nature of God that were so rightly his…and he did this knowing that some WOULD get it; receive forgiveness, experience grace, and live love.
And so I’m learning to get past my feelings. I’m learning that being a servant to all will probably never quit, despite my feelings of wanting to. But in the ugliness of life, where serving in the love of Jesus persists, there beauty grows. That gives me more hope than I can express.
